It's ok...someday.

My oldest nephew Derek got married 2 years ago this December.

And now, my second oldest nephew gets married this December.

I only wish it was me getting married this December.

But it's ok...someday.

I remember just how I felt and where I was 2 years ago-sitting at my nephew Derek's wedding to Dawn. I remember feeling really really happy for him, and yet sad-hearted at the same time. It was sort of a slap in the face to see a nephew get married before me, his aunt. But I was still really happy for him, and I still am.

And now, I'm going to be a great Aunt in March-they are having a little girl.

Kind of another slap, but once again, very VERY happy for them.

On December 17, 2008-in two weeks or so, Mckay, my second nephew-Derek's younger brother, is getting married to Jen. I'm really, REALLY excited for them as well, and just join them in their excitement and look forward to their day together. I'm of course, wishing it was me also, getting married that day.

It's ok...someday.

I think it's getting a little less sad for me when I see family and friends get married, because I am starting, I think to believe in the...someday...thing. I haven't for so long...and ever since I moved to this new place here in Pleasant Grove, I feel like I am starting more and more to believe in it.

And I'm so grateful for that.

ONE more...

Do I dare?

Yes, I am sick to death of the single's scene. A fellow single girl from my ward befriended me today, for which I am,...thankful. She invited me to go to a "mid-singles" family night tomorrow.

Ugh.

I know I should be ever grateful and just jump at the opportunities when they present themselves to get involved, but at times I feel like I want to just give up. Do I dare go?

I can't take ONE more game night, ONE more blind date that goes bad, ONE more dance at which I am repulsed at the fact that I CANNOT DANCE, and ONE more hope for a relationship that gets shattered.

Really, is he out there somewhere?

A desire for the other

I have thought thousands of times about my future as a mother, and I've longed for that blessing. My best friend reminds me all the time that I continue to talk about my role as a mother, yet never as a wife.

I don't know why I never express a desire and long for the other...even though deep down, I desire it more than anything.

I've been thinking about this for a long time now. And I think I have realized that maybe it's because I know I can love children...and I know they will love me back. I've not had many experiences with truly loving a man...and knowing that he truly loves me. All of the relationships that I have had have been either destructive, or not meaningful.

So I know that I need to develop a desire for this other side of my future--I know that. Maybe it's just that I doubt that I can be truly loved by a man...they're just harder to convice, ya know?

Joy in the Journey

I'm 32.

I'm single.

Lots of days I'm glad I am where I am....others,...I wish I weren't.

I know it's always important to be thankful, and often times I find myself wishing I were in a different place, married, with children I long for. It's hard to express my feelings to anyone else about how I really feel about this. At this important time in my life, maybe a bit more of reflecting and expressing will help me to really be more grateful of where I am at, and love it. I am most touched my President Monson's message to us this past General Conference...

"Brothers and sisters, my sincere prayer is that we may adapt to the changes in our lives, that we may realize what is most important, that we may express our gratitude always and thus find joy in the journey".

And so, this blog is in dedication to just that...how I can find joy in my journey...right now...being single, in hopes that I will find someone, someday...and join in my dreams of a family of my own.