An un-startable engine

Lately I feel like my engine keeps trying to start, and it just gets going, and then gives up-shuts down.

I don't mean for this blog to be a place where I vent...but, it sort of seems like it. Finding "Joy in the Journey" of being single has been really really rough for me since I hit 30. I'm moving on to 34 this year, and it just seems like nothing for me is going uphill. I feel like I start things, and can never finish them. I feel like my motivation for goals and such is so much less than it was.

Where did that all start? When did that all change for me? When I hit 30? When I went back to BYU 4 years ago? Did my thesis kill me? Are some brain cells dead from all of that? Have the trials been so immense since then that I have forgotten how to enjoy life and love it?

Where is "he" at? Is he still looking for me, or has he given up on it?

Has Heavenly Father given up on me for good?

What am I supposed to be doing with my life?

How can I enjoy this journey I am on?

I just wish for once...that my engine would start...and stay "started"....

:*(

Bursting in half

It has been a really hard weekend for me. I think for so long I've just tried to be ok with where I'm at in life, and what I'm doing...knowing, hoping, trusting, that the person I am supposed to find is out there, and that my future is just waiting for me--and that it's not too far off.

It seems like I've been waiting....forever.

I have really felt alone for a few weeks now...deeply alone...and it just reconfirms to me the same negative thoughts over and over...it's never going to happen for me.

Is it?

I want so desperately to find someone and to start a family of my own...my friend posted something lately on her blog about her infertility frustrations, and all that she is going through with that. I feel for her...and I understand her feelings. Because I have the same feelings about just finding 'someone'. I feel angry at God because it is taking so long, and here all my friends and family members are receiving these blessings that I so desire to have...marriage, and children.

I'm just angry today. And my heart feels like it is going to BURST in half--feeling forgotten, unloved, and unnoticed by God.

I can't shake this feelin'

ME.

I have been really discouraged lately...just feeling low and forgotten by God...like my dreams for the future are 'not'. I read an article by Elder Jeffrey R. Holland this morning and took comfort in one paragraph. He said,

"Faith trusts that God has great things in store for each of us and that Christ truly is the 'high priest of good things to come'. Keep your eyes on your dreams, however distant and far away. Live to see the miracles of repentance and forgiveness, of trust and divine love that will transform your life today, tomorrow, and forever. That is a New Year's resolution I ask you to keep".

I'm tired. Tired of always waiting for my 'future'. And feeling like a failure of a person because I am not 'there'. I want to be happy being me, and feel like what I do every day makes a difference...even IF I'm not married and have kids. Even IF I'm still single living this life of mine. I want to feel important enough and loved enough for just being ME. I desire to work hard the next few months at just being happy being ME. Keeping my eyes on my dream of a family--even if it is years away from me right now. I want to be proud to be ME.

A SINGLE me.

I remember now...

Sweet Lori and Jenny Beth.

Reminded me that there are lots and lots of things that make me happy, and that I need to remember them.

Two weeks ago I was in St George for Thanksgiving and my sister Shari and I were walking down an aisle at Superrr Targay....I peeked down the baby aisle and felt an ache in my wee heart. And I said to Shari, "Aw, I want a baby". And it got me thinking of how much I have in my life right now.

How blessed I have been.

How much I've been able to do.

How full my life is.

How much I need to not worry about the future and to just press on and be happy with ME.

Where I'M at.

What I'M doing.

And just feel content. And that if it doesn't happen in the next year for me, or for the rest of my life...I'm content, and happy, with ME.

What makes me happy?

I've been quite discouraged lately, about God's timing for my future, and when that will all happen for me. I've been trying to be patient, and just have struggled.

My brother gave me a blessing last week, and in it, I was told that I needed to just be patient. To focus on me right now, and to just find what makes me happy. After finishing such a grueling master's program at BYU, I realized that I completely lost myself.

Not sure what makes me happy anymore.

After really pondering that thought in my blessing, I've decided that that must be my quest this 33rd year of mine.

What brings a smile to Karen and her heart?

Out there somewhere...

It's a roller coaster....and always has been for me. So, this guy I met was great. Such a good person...so many great qualities. We went out every single night for a week straight. And then...he stopped calling for over a week.

This is the story of my life.

Well, when he finally did call...he just had a lot of things to say that made me think..."I so deserve more than this".

So...on to greater things...I know he's out there somewhere. Where, I say?

Goodness :)

I met someone.

I just have to say that he is good...lots and lots and lots of things about him.

I want to know more...I don't think I know anyone like him.

And oh, I hope I see and get to know more of him! :)