To get me to you

I've been to two weddings in two weeks.

Crazy.

Just two years ago tomorrow I attended my nephew Derek's wedding and I remember I was really really depressed afterwards. Ecstatic for he and Dawn, yet down because I felt the time was never going to come for me. How could a nephew of mine get married before his Aunt Karen?

I don't want to come off as sounding hopeless...I just have had some thoughts tonight, and thought it would be good to record them.

After leaving my friend Kristen's reception tonight, I was totally downhearted. Just feeling tired of attending everyone else's wedding day--wishing it was my own--wondering WHEN is this going to happen for me. And it was like within an instant all I could think of was WHAT a day it is going to be when it DOES happen for me!

My mind started spinning and spinning...and before I knew it, I was happy again.

On my wedding day, I will not be the only one that is celebrating...there are so many people in my life that have been an extreme blessing to me--that have carried me through the years, helped me, encouraged me, led me, loved me...and I want every single one of them there--with me!!!! How good it will feel to look at all the faces in the temple that day and know that they got me there.

If you listen to the words on the song on my playlist "To get me to you", I think this is exactly how I will feel....

"I don't regret the rain, or the nights I felt the pain, or the tears I had to cry--some of those times along the way. Every road I had to take...every time my heart would break. It was just something that I had to get through...To get me to you"

I'm glad I had this experience tonight...hard things, I believe, will one day turn into good things for me.

Holidays

Last year at this time, I didn't think I would be going one more year not married...but here it is, Christmas Eve.

I'm ok with it.

I was thinking today of how many things I have been able to do in my life...how much I want to finish my thesis and lose the weight I gained from it...how I want to save money and pay off debts...how I want to better myself.

I think this year I have a better outlook--rather than thinking about how lonely I feel at this holiday time, I am ever so grateful to have a positive outlook for the upcoming year. Not sure if this next year is THE year, but I am glad to have some things to look forward to...grad school...DONE....weight...OFF.

I'm getting a priesthood blessing tonight from one of my favorite person's in the world, Brother LeBaron. We'll see what it has to say about the future for me...

Here's to another single year!

Abrasions

It's been a discouraging weekend. I seem to have really high highs, and really low lows. I'm hopeful, and then I'm doubtful. I think most of the time I am on the up-side...but weekends like these really get me down and discouraged. Just feeling lonely...and I hate that I do that.

I just need to trust.

I read this quote in my Book of Mormon today that I had written long ago in the footnotes...and it seemed to relate so much to me.

"It is in the daily abrasions that we find the imperfections in our own souls".

When I say it's been a discouraging weekend, it's just been one of those times where I feel like I'm not meeting anyone because I'm 'flawed'...or I have too many flaws for someone to want to be with.

I know in my brain that's not true...but telling it to my heart sometimes is way way too hard.

So my thought tonight is...I'm thankful that I do have these 'abrasion' weekends...because they help me to truly evaluate my life-and things I want to change and make better so that I am more ready for whenever he does come into my life....more ready for the future.

Hope-and more of it

I went to my friend Jacques's reception last night.

I can't even describe how I am feeling lately about being single. I'm 32, and you know there are so many things that I have been able to do in my life...I'm so thankful. For some reason, and I think it may be coming off of medication, gettting back to the temple,...I don't know, but I just feel extreme hope about my future. Instead of feeling like it will never happen, I know it will.

He's out there. And you know for once in my life I feel like I know that.

For sure.

Today in church I just sat back and observed the many couples/families in my family ward--and felt hope--and more of it.

It's just around the corner, I know that.

Need of patience

Weird.

Once again, a scripture I read a few weeks ago popped up in my study and made me think positively--once more, about my future family...

"For ye have need of patience, that, after ye have done the will of God, ye might receive the promise. For yet a little while, and he that shall come will come, and will not tarry" (Hebrews 10: 36-37).

I read this scripture not too long ago, and back then it was also a comfort of the same thing. I feel positive. I feel like Heavenly Father has really allowed me to change quite dramatically in the last few months---mostly, mentally. Coming off of my depression medication has been a dream come true--I can't even describe it. I feel like I'm coming out of a dark cave after hundreds of years--and can once again think for myself, dream for myself, be myself.

And I can have patience...because I believe in it.

It's ok...someday.

My oldest nephew Derek got married 2 years ago this December.

And now, my second oldest nephew gets married this December.

I only wish it was me getting married this December.

But it's ok...someday.

I remember just how I felt and where I was 2 years ago-sitting at my nephew Derek's wedding to Dawn. I remember feeling really really happy for him, and yet sad-hearted at the same time. It was sort of a slap in the face to see a nephew get married before me, his aunt. But I was still really happy for him, and I still am.

And now, I'm going to be a great Aunt in March-they are having a little girl.

Kind of another slap, but once again, very VERY happy for them.

On December 17, 2008-in two weeks or so, Mckay, my second nephew-Derek's younger brother, is getting married to Jen. I'm really, REALLY excited for them as well, and just join them in their excitement and look forward to their day together. I'm of course, wishing it was me also, getting married that day.

It's ok...someday.

I think it's getting a little less sad for me when I see family and friends get married, because I am starting, I think to believe in the...someday...thing. I haven't for so long...and ever since I moved to this new place here in Pleasant Grove, I feel like I am starting more and more to believe in it.

And I'm so grateful for that.

ONE more...

Do I dare?

Yes, I am sick to death of the single's scene. A fellow single girl from my ward befriended me today, for which I am,...thankful. She invited me to go to a "mid-singles" family night tomorrow.

Ugh.

I know I should be ever grateful and just jump at the opportunities when they present themselves to get involved, but at times I feel like I want to just give up. Do I dare go?

I can't take ONE more game night, ONE more blind date that goes bad, ONE more dance at which I am repulsed at the fact that I CANNOT DANCE, and ONE more hope for a relationship that gets shattered.

Really, is he out there somewhere?

A desire for the other

I have thought thousands of times about my future as a mother, and I've longed for that blessing. My best friend reminds me all the time that I continue to talk about my role as a mother, yet never as a wife.

I don't know why I never express a desire and long for the other...even though deep down, I desire it more than anything.

I've been thinking about this for a long time now. And I think I have realized that maybe it's because I know I can love children...and I know they will love me back. I've not had many experiences with truly loving a man...and knowing that he truly loves me. All of the relationships that I have had have been either destructive, or not meaningful.

So I know that I need to develop a desire for this other side of my future--I know that. Maybe it's just that I doubt that I can be truly loved by a man...they're just harder to convice, ya know?

Joy in the Journey

I'm 32.

I'm single.

Lots of days I'm glad I am where I am....others,...I wish I weren't.

I know it's always important to be thankful, and often times I find myself wishing I were in a different place, married, with children I long for. It's hard to express my feelings to anyone else about how I really feel about this. At this important time in my life, maybe a bit more of reflecting and expressing will help me to really be more grateful of where I am at, and love it. I am most touched my President Monson's message to us this past General Conference...

"Brothers and sisters, my sincere prayer is that we may adapt to the changes in our lives, that we may realize what is most important, that we may express our gratitude always and thus find joy in the journey".

And so, this blog is in dedication to just that...how I can find joy in my journey...right now...being single, in hopes that I will find someone, someday...and join in my dreams of a family of my own.