I remember now...

Sweet Lori and Jenny Beth.

Reminded me that there are lots and lots of things that make me happy, and that I need to remember them.

Two weeks ago I was in St George for Thanksgiving and my sister Shari and I were walking down an aisle at Superrr Targay....I peeked down the baby aisle and felt an ache in my wee heart. And I said to Shari, "Aw, I want a baby". And it got me thinking of how much I have in my life right now.

How blessed I have been.

How much I've been able to do.

How full my life is.

How much I need to not worry about the future and to just press on and be happy with ME.

Where I'M at.

What I'M doing.

And just feel content. And that if it doesn't happen in the next year for me, or for the rest of my life...I'm content, and happy, with ME.

What makes me happy?

I've been quite discouraged lately, about God's timing for my future, and when that will all happen for me. I've been trying to be patient, and just have struggled.

My brother gave me a blessing last week, and in it, I was told that I needed to just be patient. To focus on me right now, and to just find what makes me happy. After finishing such a grueling master's program at BYU, I realized that I completely lost myself.

Not sure what makes me happy anymore.

After really pondering that thought in my blessing, I've decided that that must be my quest this 33rd year of mine.

What brings a smile to Karen and her heart?

Out there somewhere...

It's a roller coaster....and always has been for me. So, this guy I met was great. Such a good person...so many great qualities. We went out every single night for a week straight. And then...he stopped calling for over a week.

This is the story of my life.

Well, when he finally did call...he just had a lot of things to say that made me think..."I so deserve more than this".

So...on to greater things...I know he's out there somewhere. Where, I say?

Goodness :)

I met someone.

I just have to say that he is good...lots and lots and lots of things about him.

I want to know more...I don't think I know anyone like him.

And oh, I hope I see and get to know more of him! :)

Singles Websites

So I have been off of the whole dating scene on the singles websites for quite some time now.

I just hate them...

There is so much false hope there-and so much devastation to your self esteem-atleast that is how my experience with them has been. It's like you read someone's profile and they seem great and then you meet them in person, and they're nothing like they said they were. Or, you think a person sounds really cool and makes a good match with you, and so you get brave and send them a quick email on the site...and then they write back a quick one-liner and don't ask you any questions at all, so you feel like they looked at your profile and weren't interested, and they are just emailing you back to be nice. Or, they don't email back at all-and your self esteem is shot.

I recently got back on one of the sites and posted some new pics, and all of a sudden people are writing me...and I got the false hope again...and then the slams to my self esteem.

Dating sucks, and I'm sick of it. I'm so ready to just throw in the towel.

Waiting

Have you ever had one of those experiences that you just can't explain? Or understand? Or completely believe, even though you know deep down that it's true?

Today I did.

I just had the strongest feeling that there are little people upstairs waiting to come down. I've felt this before, but today it was stronger than ever and it made me feel like they are 'sick and tired' of waiting.

SO, what am I not doing to not get them here....I've got to evaluate this....

Best video, evah!

Ok, so I grinned from ear to ear watching this. Someday, someday, I will have as much excitement and feel this happy when I finally find someone to share my life with. Here's hoping it's coming for me sooner than later...Enjoy.

Yearnings...and doubts

I love holidays, but they are kind of hard for me.

As always, I yearn to have a family of my own to celebrate them with. I enjoy reading people's blogs about their little families, I love celebrating with friends and families at their weddings, I am always excited to celebrate the holidays with those I love who have little families of their own...

But at times it does get me down, doubting...will this ever happen-for ME? Doubts play a big role in my ability to be social and to go out and meet guys. Because my thinking always turns to--"I'm 32, still single, and never ever date...is there really someone out there still for me?"

I'm not here to rant, and hopefully don't sound depressed...just wanted to say that I have yearnings and doubts...and would love someday, whenever God's timing is right, to have a little family of my own to celebrate with...

So here goes...

Ok. so no.

A move is out of the question.

I finally came to a realization that I came here to Pleasant Grove for a certain reason...I'm just not sure of what that is right now. I know I needed a quiet place to finish writing my thesis, but now it's over and I still feel like there's more that I need to do here.

Hmpf.

And so, I'm staying. Atleast for another year or so. And I have to say that things are looking great for me. Summer is here and I just feel good about taking some "me" time...losing this thesis-gained weight, and really focusing on getting my life back in order. My friend said to me the other day that instead of trying to get back to the "me" I was before graduate school-like I've been saying over and over, maybe I just need to rediscover who I am in a new way...because I am, of course, a changed person. I'm a new person, I think...and I want to find out just who that person is.

So here goes...

To do, or not to do...

Should I move...

I just don't know what's right for me. I moved here a year ago to sort of get-away so that I could finish off my thesis. I also had hopes that by the time I finished it, that I'd found a husband and could move on to that stage of life. But that for me, just has not happened.

So I'm at this crossroads right now...move, or not move. Living here in PG hasn't allowed me much of a social life...I live in a totally young married neighborhood, and I attend a young married ward. I need to be around people my age...and so, I've contemplated this move. Hopefully a move where I can buy something again, so I can stop throwing my money away.

We'll see.

I just really wish I knew what God wanted me to do...

Doubts & Plummeting

This happens every time I finish something...

I plummet.

I was talking with a single friend of mine in our 'family' ward about how down in the dumps I have been lately...and she feels the same way. I've had a 'boyfriend' for three years...well, OK...a 'thesis' boyfriend. And now, I'm dumped. What I mean is I've relied on that for my source of companionship for the last 3 years, and now that it's completed, I feel like I'm all alone again, but this time, it feels way worse.

And it's a rut I can't get out of.

I wish somehow I could see the vision of the future that I've been told is ahead of me...but I just feel like it's not there, and never will be.

I'm totally doubtful.

A new vision

I have this new vision...

I've been working really hard on my thesis these last few weeks...and now that I'm seeing the end of the tunnel, I have some pertinent thoughts.

I remember, long ago--I was pleading with God to provide a way for me to get accepted into the graduate program at BYU, sell my house, and get the job I wanted in Springville...and He made it all possible for me. Every single thing I desired, He made happen.

I've realized I have complained more than anything about this graduate program...and I haven't expressed the thanks I should have for Him blessing me with it. My journey in the program has been grueling, challenging, yet--rewarding. I'm so thankful for all I have learned. For people I've met along the way, and the impact they have had on my life.

In my patriarchal blessing it states, "Seek His guidance in your choice of an eternal companion; consider completely the goals of celestial exaltation as well as your plan to fulfill in completeness all that you were sent forth to accomplish. I, therefore, bless you, Karen, to place as your top priority the purpose for which you came to this earth life-to bring choice spirits of your Heavenly Father to this earth".

Throughout this graduate program, because of that specific paragraph in my blessing-I have had in the back of my mind-this focus on the future...and that if I were to ever meet someone along the way, I would give the whole program and my thesis up.

That never happened.

I think I've followed the advice of my blessing...because always, that was my priority.

Yesterday I took a break from writing to work out, and I couldn't help but feel like things are changing for me. I'm looking at a few weeks to be done--and I feel like Heavenly Father wanted me to accomplish this--He said that my plan to fulfill all I had in mind to fulfill-I would accomplish...and this graduate program--thinking long ago as I pleaded on my knees...whether it was hard or not...I wanted it.

Anyways, I just feel like it's going to be over soon and then, my sure focus of finding that eternal companion will be in the front seat of my life. I'm working on losing this weight I've gained and my stress of my grad program will be lifted and I will be relieved.

Perfect time, I think, for God to bless me with this next chapter in my life.

I hope.

And then I will be back to pleading on my knees again for the deepest desire of my life...finding my eternal companion and bringing choice spirits of God to this earth.

Assured

A few years ago I had an experience on a blind date that came back as a memory this morning as I was reading the introduction to the Book of Mormon.

Weird, I know.

I was set up on a blind date by a work-friend a few years ago, and it surprisingly was a great set-up...one that I thought was going to last, but it didn't. This may sound cheesy, but when I opened the door and saw him for the first time, I thought for sure--he was the one. I even felt the Spirit tell me it was right...that he was a good man, someone I could and would be with. Throughout the month we dated and my thoughts were even confirmed and I was assured and at ease as I got to know him more. I really felt peace that this date would be one that would last. Once again, I thought for sure--he was the one.

He wasn't.

I've thought and thought about this experience. Why would I feel so strongly about this, for it NOT to happen? I think I've come to the conclusion that maybe I felt that way as a sort of 'premonition' of the future man I will marry...that THAT is how I will feel when he does come.

...wherever he is.

In relation to what I read this morning that sparked this memory of mine, I was reading the part where an angel has appeared to Joseph Smith in his bedroom. He tells Joseph of the place where the plates, etc. are buried, and Joseph says,

"the vision was opened to my mind that I could see the place where the plates were deposited, and that so clearly and distinctly that I knew the place again when I visited it".

I think this is how I will feel...it will be like how I felt that night on the blind date...assured, and at ease...I will feel clearly and distinctly that it is the right thing, and he is the one.

And the date will last.

It matters

What kind of an aunt am I? I've often wondered this, and tried to be better and better...and I've often wondered, "Why does it matter?"

Oh...but it does.

My little nephew Dakota called and asked if he could have a sleepover with me...just him and me. He's seriously adorable and oh-so-cute....I just couldn't resist. So, he's coming over tonight...and, as my sister Joni (Dak's mom) said, "To snuggle and watch a movie".

Adorable.

So I've been thinking how this relates to my joy in the journey...and I've realized that even though I haven't found my prince yet, even though I haven't experienced children of my own, I can love and cherish and help raise my little ones around me...like little Dak, and all my other nieces and nephews.

So it does matter.