Yearnings...and doubts

I love holidays, but they are kind of hard for me.

As always, I yearn to have a family of my own to celebrate them with. I enjoy reading people's blogs about their little families, I love celebrating with friends and families at their weddings, I am always excited to celebrate the holidays with those I love who have little families of their own...

But at times it does get me down, doubting...will this ever happen-for ME? Doubts play a big role in my ability to be social and to go out and meet guys. Because my thinking always turns to--"I'm 32, still single, and never ever date...is there really someone out there still for me?"

I'm not here to rant, and hopefully don't sound depressed...just wanted to say that I have yearnings and doubts...and would love someday, whenever God's timing is right, to have a little family of my own to celebrate with...

So here goes...

Ok. so no.

A move is out of the question.

I finally came to a realization that I came here to Pleasant Grove for a certain reason...I'm just not sure of what that is right now. I know I needed a quiet place to finish writing my thesis, but now it's over and I still feel like there's more that I need to do here.

Hmpf.

And so, I'm staying. Atleast for another year or so. And I have to say that things are looking great for me. Summer is here and I just feel good about taking some "me" time...losing this thesis-gained weight, and really focusing on getting my life back in order. My friend said to me the other day that instead of trying to get back to the "me" I was before graduate school-like I've been saying over and over, maybe I just need to rediscover who I am in a new way...because I am, of course, a changed person. I'm a new person, I think...and I want to find out just who that person is.

So here goes...

To do, or not to do...

Should I move...

I just don't know what's right for me. I moved here a year ago to sort of get-away so that I could finish off my thesis. I also had hopes that by the time I finished it, that I'd found a husband and could move on to that stage of life. But that for me, just has not happened.

So I'm at this crossroads right now...move, or not move. Living here in PG hasn't allowed me much of a social life...I live in a totally young married neighborhood, and I attend a young married ward. I need to be around people my age...and so, I've contemplated this move. Hopefully a move where I can buy something again, so I can stop throwing my money away.

We'll see.

I just really wish I knew what God wanted me to do...

Doubts & Plummeting

This happens every time I finish something...

I plummet.

I was talking with a single friend of mine in our 'family' ward about how down in the dumps I have been lately...and she feels the same way. I've had a 'boyfriend' for three years...well, OK...a 'thesis' boyfriend. And now, I'm dumped. What I mean is I've relied on that for my source of companionship for the last 3 years, and now that it's completed, I feel like I'm all alone again, but this time, it feels way worse.

And it's a rut I can't get out of.

I wish somehow I could see the vision of the future that I've been told is ahead of me...but I just feel like it's not there, and never will be.

I'm totally doubtful.

A new vision

I have this new vision...

I've been working really hard on my thesis these last few weeks...and now that I'm seeing the end of the tunnel, I have some pertinent thoughts.

I remember, long ago--I was pleading with God to provide a way for me to get accepted into the graduate program at BYU, sell my house, and get the job I wanted in Springville...and He made it all possible for me. Every single thing I desired, He made happen.

I've realized I have complained more than anything about this graduate program...and I haven't expressed the thanks I should have for Him blessing me with it. My journey in the program has been grueling, challenging, yet--rewarding. I'm so thankful for all I have learned. For people I've met along the way, and the impact they have had on my life.

In my patriarchal blessing it states, "Seek His guidance in your choice of an eternal companion; consider completely the goals of celestial exaltation as well as your plan to fulfill in completeness all that you were sent forth to accomplish. I, therefore, bless you, Karen, to place as your top priority the purpose for which you came to this earth life-to bring choice spirits of your Heavenly Father to this earth".

Throughout this graduate program, because of that specific paragraph in my blessing-I have had in the back of my mind-this focus on the future...and that if I were to ever meet someone along the way, I would give the whole program and my thesis up.

That never happened.

I think I've followed the advice of my blessing...because always, that was my priority.

Yesterday I took a break from writing to work out, and I couldn't help but feel like things are changing for me. I'm looking at a few weeks to be done--and I feel like Heavenly Father wanted me to accomplish this--He said that my plan to fulfill all I had in mind to fulfill-I would accomplish...and this graduate program--thinking long ago as I pleaded on my knees...whether it was hard or not...I wanted it.

Anyways, I just feel like it's going to be over soon and then, my sure focus of finding that eternal companion will be in the front seat of my life. I'm working on losing this weight I've gained and my stress of my grad program will be lifted and I will be relieved.

Perfect time, I think, for God to bless me with this next chapter in my life.

I hope.

And then I will be back to pleading on my knees again for the deepest desire of my life...finding my eternal companion and bringing choice spirits of God to this earth.

Assured

A few years ago I had an experience on a blind date that came back as a memory this morning as I was reading the introduction to the Book of Mormon.

Weird, I know.

I was set up on a blind date by a work-friend a few years ago, and it surprisingly was a great set-up...one that I thought was going to last, but it didn't. This may sound cheesy, but when I opened the door and saw him for the first time, I thought for sure--he was the one. I even felt the Spirit tell me it was right...that he was a good man, someone I could and would be with. Throughout the month we dated and my thoughts were even confirmed and I was assured and at ease as I got to know him more. I really felt peace that this date would be one that would last. Once again, I thought for sure--he was the one.

He wasn't.

I've thought and thought about this experience. Why would I feel so strongly about this, for it NOT to happen? I think I've come to the conclusion that maybe I felt that way as a sort of 'premonition' of the future man I will marry...that THAT is how I will feel when he does come.

...wherever he is.

In relation to what I read this morning that sparked this memory of mine, I was reading the part where an angel has appeared to Joseph Smith in his bedroom. He tells Joseph of the place where the plates, etc. are buried, and Joseph says,

"the vision was opened to my mind that I could see the place where the plates were deposited, and that so clearly and distinctly that I knew the place again when I visited it".

I think this is how I will feel...it will be like how I felt that night on the blind date...assured, and at ease...I will feel clearly and distinctly that it is the right thing, and he is the one.

And the date will last.

It matters

What kind of an aunt am I? I've often wondered this, and tried to be better and better...and I've often wondered, "Why does it matter?"

Oh...but it does.

My little nephew Dakota called and asked if he could have a sleepover with me...just him and me. He's seriously adorable and oh-so-cute....I just couldn't resist. So, he's coming over tonight...and, as my sister Joni (Dak's mom) said, "To snuggle and watch a movie".

Adorable.

So I've been thinking how this relates to my joy in the journey...and I've realized that even though I haven't found my prince yet, even though I haven't experienced children of my own, I can love and cherish and help raise my little ones around me...like little Dak, and all my other nieces and nephews.

So it does matter.