...All the more...

I want to write more in this blog.

Mostly because I have so many things I could and should be sharing here.

I've decided to make a new goal...to really live for the moments right now.

And instead of making my mantra for this upcoming year "34 single no more..."

I want it to be "34 and enjoying it all the more".

I have so much I can accomplish. And things I can learn at this age. Here are just a few that have been on my mind and that I can work on this upcoming year as a single person:

-Learn to be a conscious money saver instead of a spender
-Learn some big things about cooking and try them (i.e. cooking a turkey, etc)
-Serve more anonymously-be aware of people and their needs

Content.

Today....I feel content about me.

Where I am, what I'm doing.

34 is coming up for me.

I haven't met Mr. Right.

And I'm ok with that.

Finally.

Living it and learning to love it

I've always had big dreams. Dreams of my future and what it would/could be like. Thinking I'd probably be married around 20 or so, and by the time I was 30 have 2 or 3 kids or so.

Of course, it hasn't happened.

I'm 33, and still single--with not really any prospects or much dating going on. I'm a little unsure about the future as time keeps going on. I'm feeling a little 'non-trusty' with Heavenly Father, and trying to learn to trust Him and His plan for me.

So...in the meantime, I am trying to live it and learn to love it. Trying to enjoy me and enjoy what I am doing as a single-me. Trying to decide what I want to do if this dream never rolls around for me, or if it's another 33 years 'till it comes my way.

Timing

Had lots of thoughts lately. Trying to figure out where I fit in life and what I am supposed to be doing.

Went to talk to the bishop about my feelings of wanting to feel a "part" of something again in the church.

Here's what he said...

"Is this interview one that you set up on your own, or were you called in?"

"I set it up on my own. I really have felt sort of lost lately, and have been debating on leaving this ward and attending the branch where I live".

"Well, I really can't believe this. Your timing is perfect, and inspired. I have a calling to extend to you. Your name has come up for 3 different callings in the last 24 hours. It's a big calling. I think you will feel "part" of something. Would you like to accept it?"

"Yes".

Guess there's my answer.

Single ward.

Single...or...family ward?

Lately I have been having a really hard time, spiritually. Just sort of feeling lost in a ward where I don't know people, and don't go--or want to go to activities, etc. I've done the whole transition before of going from a single's ward to a family ward, and felt 100% MORE lost, and so I made the decision to go back into the older mid-single's ward that I was in previously.

For quite some time I have just felt lost there. Completely to the point where I don't want to go to church.

And....I don't want that, I know. I know that I know better than that, my faith is stronger than that, and I would never just stop going completely...it's against my nature.

So today I decided to attend the ward that I would go to if I wasn't going to the single's ward. It's a branch. I walked in and instantly felt a part of it. I counted the people. 60. What?! Before church was over, at least 10 people had come up to me to introduce themselves to me and try to get me to start coming to this branch.

I'm torn. For me mostly...I just need to feel a 'part' of something. And switching to this branch will definitely help me feel like that...but, of course, there aren't any single people attending that ward (maybe 3?). And so it would take me away from a 'single's scene'.

But I feel like spiritually, I need this.

What to do...

An un-startable engine

Lately I feel like my engine keeps trying to start, and it just gets going, and then gives up-shuts down.

I don't mean for this blog to be a place where I vent...but, it sort of seems like it. Finding "Joy in the Journey" of being single has been really really rough for me since I hit 30. I'm moving on to 34 this year, and it just seems like nothing for me is going uphill. I feel like I start things, and can never finish them. I feel like my motivation for goals and such is so much less than it was.

Where did that all start? When did that all change for me? When I hit 30? When I went back to BYU 4 years ago? Did my thesis kill me? Are some brain cells dead from all of that? Have the trials been so immense since then that I have forgotten how to enjoy life and love it?

Where is "he" at? Is he still looking for me, or has he given up on it?

Has Heavenly Father given up on me for good?

What am I supposed to be doing with my life?

How can I enjoy this journey I am on?

I just wish for once...that my engine would start...and stay "started"....

:*(

Bursting in half

It has been a really hard weekend for me. I think for so long I've just tried to be ok with where I'm at in life, and what I'm doing...knowing, hoping, trusting, that the person I am supposed to find is out there, and that my future is just waiting for me--and that it's not too far off.

It seems like I've been waiting....forever.

I have really felt alone for a few weeks now...deeply alone...and it just reconfirms to me the same negative thoughts over and over...it's never going to happen for me.

Is it?

I want so desperately to find someone and to start a family of my own...my friend posted something lately on her blog about her infertility frustrations, and all that she is going through with that. I feel for her...and I understand her feelings. Because I have the same feelings about just finding 'someone'. I feel angry at God because it is taking so long, and here all my friends and family members are receiving these blessings that I so desire to have...marriage, and children.

I'm just angry today. And my heart feels like it is going to BURST in half--feeling forgotten, unloved, and unnoticed by God.

I can't shake this feelin'