Thankful-Mission

Today is the last day of 2010.
Sheesh!

How poignant that I end my (rather short) list of thankfuls that I have tried to blog about this season. I meant to write more entries, but just didn't get to them. Grateful for the important ones that I DID blog about! :)

I keep thinking about the important step I took in my life to serve a mission at age 21.
Can't stop feeling thankful for each and every experience.
I think, next to writing a thesis, my mission was the hardest, yet best experience of my life.

I was talking with a friend the other day about memorizing chinese. I briefly felt the pangs associated with that...how challenging and hard that was. I remember wanting so desperately to share the gospel with those sweet people near the beginning of my mission, yet I felt totally useless to do so.

Could not form the words.
Could not teach, inspire, uplift.

And I remember my sweet companion's testimony when she was asked a question she wasn't sure how to answer in chinese. She said, somewhat quoting 1 Nephi 11:17..."I know that He loveth His children, nevertheless I do not know the meaning of all things". I remember as I listened to her, I felt a wave of peace about the simple truths I knew to be true. And how learning the gospel in chinese really helped me to appreciate the simple testimony that I had.

Every once in a while I ponder on this experience, and feel ever grateful that my mission taught me the "simple truths". Like how words mean so much...my most favorite...repentance. "Huigai" (悔改). In this chinese character for repentance, the meaning is so much deeper. It means, "Every day, with your heart, change".

And so I sit here and am filled to the brim with thankfulness for my missionary experience in Taiwan. I'm sure I would have loved serving anywhere in the world, and I would have had amazing experiences. For some reason, Heavenly Father felt I needed to "get back to the basics" and learn this amazing gospel in chinese. 

I was truly humbled and totally dependent upon the Lord so that I could, "form the words, teach, inspire, and uplift".

Thankful-Homes

I've been reading through some of my journals lately and counting up places that I've lived.

16 to be exact.

Home.
Dorms.
Hillcrest.
Oakey.
Clifford Estates.
Fengyuan.
Pingtung.
Fengshan.
Chaochou.
Cinnamon Tree.
Locust Lane.
Vine house.
Chambery.
The Ranches.
Locust Lane (again).
Pemberley.
Country Springs.

And I've had a total of about 45 roommates, I think.

Wow.

I'm so thankful.
Thankful for the experiences that I have had being independent.
I can live on my own.
Support myself.
Make a life for myself.

And these homes and roommates have definitely prepared me, I think, for having a home and family of my own someday.

So thankful that I've done so much.
I've truly learned A LOT!

Thankful-Travels

I love that I have been able to travel the world.

Including a lot of states in the U.S., here are the countries

that I have been privileged to visit:

Canada

China

Macau

Taiwan

England

France

Wales

Scotland

Ireland

Spain

Throughout these travels, I have met amazing people in amazing cultures!

I've been able to see the world's beauty and learn to appreciate it!

I'm so grateful for this chance to be single and enjoy life :)

Thankful-Education

Two years ago during the month of November, in response to a sister's invite to be more thankful, I wrote Thankful posts every day on my main blog. I want to do that again, but this time, veer my thankful posts towards the fact that I am still single at 34. And post until the end of this year-through December. I want to recognize all of the many things that I have been able to do up until this point.

I want to feel grateful, not saddened, to be single at 34.

Because I really want to live by my motto this year "34 and enjoying it all the more".

I find that when I am more thankful, I am happier. Life feels better.

The first and foremost thing that I am thankful for being single at 34 is MY EDUCATION.

Associates degree
Ricks College 1996

Health Science

Bachelors Degree

BYU 2002

Elementary Education

Masters Degree

BYU 2009

Teacher Education

Couldn't be more grateful!

Hopeful

I've felt different for a couple of weeks now.

More hopeful.

Excited about my future.

Believing about what's ahead for me.

I'm grateful that Heavenly Father gives me little experiences along the way to cheer me on and strengthen my faith in Him that things will work out. Life has surprises coming my way. God is aware of me.

And he is out there somewhere.

I totally believe in that.

Some of that

I wanna love somebody. And be loved.

Today at church I watched this little family...kids playing with each other, hugs and kisses given, and winks from the mom and dad to each other every few minutes. I couldn't get enough of it. And I hoped for that of my own someday.

Even if it means trials come with it...and I know they do...

I sure want me some of that.

Ruts.

I want to feel good about being single and like I said yesterday, "34 and enjoying it all the more"...

I'm sure I will have up and down days, and I don't want to only record the up days.

Someday when I get married and have a little family, I am going to look back on these entries and be so grateful that I recorded my thoughts...the good AND the bad.

Today, was a bad day.

I'm having  a rough time focusing on my job at the moment. Each time school starts, I find myself just wishing that I was the mom and that I was doing school shopping for them and taking them to meet their teachers, getting them ready the first day of school, helping with homework, going to their SEP conferences, etc., etc.

I want that in my life.

I'm sure when it does come around, I will be wishing that I didn't have all that responsibility and have to be in charge of so much for them...but, I do want that. It's a righteous desire that I have.

I woke up today and just fought every second going to work. I feel unhappy where I am at, yet I am trying to have a positive attitude about it. I'm trying to make the most out of my situation and being where I'm at. I need to find ways to get out of my "ruts" when I am in them...because I frequently get in them. I spoke with Lori today about my feelings and came to the conclusion that I have a positive outlook on my life and where I'm at right now for like 5 hours, and then I start feeling down again.

What things can I be doing to get myself out of the rut feelings, and feeling positive about it all again?

...All the more...

I want to write more in this blog.

Mostly because I have so many things I could and should be sharing here.

I've decided to make a new goal...to really live for the moments right now.

And instead of making my mantra for this upcoming year "34 single no more..."

I want it to be "34 and enjoying it all the more".

I have so much I can accomplish. And things I can learn at this age. Here are just a few that have been on my mind and that I can work on this upcoming year as a single person:

-Learn to be a conscious money saver instead of a spender
-Learn some big things about cooking and try them (i.e. cooking a turkey, etc)
-Serve more anonymously-be aware of people and their needs

Content.

Today....I feel content about me.

Where I am, what I'm doing.

34 is coming up for me.

I haven't met Mr. Right.

And I'm ok with that.

Finally.

Living it and learning to love it

I've always had big dreams. Dreams of my future and what it would/could be like. Thinking I'd probably be married around 20 or so, and by the time I was 30 have 2 or 3 kids or so.

Of course, it hasn't happened.

I'm 33, and still single--with not really any prospects or much dating going on. I'm a little unsure about the future as time keeps going on. I'm feeling a little 'non-trusty' with Heavenly Father, and trying to learn to trust Him and His plan for me.

So...in the meantime, I am trying to live it and learn to love it. Trying to enjoy me and enjoy what I am doing as a single-me. Trying to decide what I want to do if this dream never rolls around for me, or if it's another 33 years 'till it comes my way.

Timing

Had lots of thoughts lately. Trying to figure out where I fit in life and what I am supposed to be doing.

Went to talk to the bishop about my feelings of wanting to feel a "part" of something again in the church.

Here's what he said...

"Is this interview one that you set up on your own, or were you called in?"

"I set it up on my own. I really have felt sort of lost lately, and have been debating on leaving this ward and attending the branch where I live".

"Well, I really can't believe this. Your timing is perfect, and inspired. I have a calling to extend to you. Your name has come up for 3 different callings in the last 24 hours. It's a big calling. I think you will feel "part" of something. Would you like to accept it?"

"Yes".

Guess there's my answer.

Single ward.

Single...or...family ward?

Lately I have been having a really hard time, spiritually. Just sort of feeling lost in a ward where I don't know people, and don't go--or want to go to activities, etc. I've done the whole transition before of going from a single's ward to a family ward, and felt 100% MORE lost, and so I made the decision to go back into the older mid-single's ward that I was in previously.

For quite some time I have just felt lost there. Completely to the point where I don't want to go to church.

And....I don't want that, I know. I know that I know better than that, my faith is stronger than that, and I would never just stop going completely...it's against my nature.

So today I decided to attend the ward that I would go to if I wasn't going to the single's ward. It's a branch. I walked in and instantly felt a part of it. I counted the people. 60. What?! Before church was over, at least 10 people had come up to me to introduce themselves to me and try to get me to start coming to this branch.

I'm torn. For me mostly...I just need to feel a 'part' of something. And switching to this branch will definitely help me feel like that...but, of course, there aren't any single people attending that ward (maybe 3?). And so it would take me away from a 'single's scene'.

But I feel like spiritually, I need this.

What to do...

An un-startable engine

Lately I feel like my engine keeps trying to start, and it just gets going, and then gives up-shuts down.

I don't mean for this blog to be a place where I vent...but, it sort of seems like it. Finding "Joy in the Journey" of being single has been really really rough for me since I hit 30. I'm moving on to 34 this year, and it just seems like nothing for me is going uphill. I feel like I start things, and can never finish them. I feel like my motivation for goals and such is so much less than it was.

Where did that all start? When did that all change for me? When I hit 30? When I went back to BYU 4 years ago? Did my thesis kill me? Are some brain cells dead from all of that? Have the trials been so immense since then that I have forgotten how to enjoy life and love it?

Where is "he" at? Is he still looking for me, or has he given up on it?

Has Heavenly Father given up on me for good?

What am I supposed to be doing with my life?

How can I enjoy this journey I am on?

I just wish for once...that my engine would start...and stay "started"....

:*(

Bursting in half

It has been a really hard weekend for me. I think for so long I've just tried to be ok with where I'm at in life, and what I'm doing...knowing, hoping, trusting, that the person I am supposed to find is out there, and that my future is just waiting for me--and that it's not too far off.

It seems like I've been waiting....forever.

I have really felt alone for a few weeks now...deeply alone...and it just reconfirms to me the same negative thoughts over and over...it's never going to happen for me.

Is it?

I want so desperately to find someone and to start a family of my own...my friend posted something lately on her blog about her infertility frustrations, and all that she is going through with that. I feel for her...and I understand her feelings. Because I have the same feelings about just finding 'someone'. I feel angry at God because it is taking so long, and here all my friends and family members are receiving these blessings that I so desire to have...marriage, and children.

I'm just angry today. And my heart feels like it is going to BURST in half--feeling forgotten, unloved, and unnoticed by God.

I can't shake this feelin'

ME.

I have been really discouraged lately...just feeling low and forgotten by God...like my dreams for the future are 'not'. I read an article by Elder Jeffrey R. Holland this morning and took comfort in one paragraph. He said,

"Faith trusts that God has great things in store for each of us and that Christ truly is the 'high priest of good things to come'. Keep your eyes on your dreams, however distant and far away. Live to see the miracles of repentance and forgiveness, of trust and divine love that will transform your life today, tomorrow, and forever. That is a New Year's resolution I ask you to keep".

I'm tired. Tired of always waiting for my 'future'. And feeling like a failure of a person because I am not 'there'. I want to be happy being me, and feel like what I do every day makes a difference...even IF I'm not married and have kids. Even IF I'm still single living this life of mine. I want to feel important enough and loved enough for just being ME. I desire to work hard the next few months at just being happy being ME. Keeping my eyes on my dream of a family--even if it is years away from me right now. I want to be proud to be ME.

A SINGLE me.