Ruts.

I want to feel good about being single and like I said yesterday, "34 and enjoying it all the more"...

I'm sure I will have up and down days, and I don't want to only record the up days.

Someday when I get married and have a little family, I am going to look back on these entries and be so grateful that I recorded my thoughts...the good AND the bad.

Today, was a bad day.

I'm having  a rough time focusing on my job at the moment. Each time school starts, I find myself just wishing that I was the mom and that I was doing school shopping for them and taking them to meet their teachers, getting them ready the first day of school, helping with homework, going to their SEP conferences, etc., etc.

I want that in my life.

I'm sure when it does come around, I will be wishing that I didn't have all that responsibility and have to be in charge of so much for them...but, I do want that. It's a righteous desire that I have.

I woke up today and just fought every second going to work. I feel unhappy where I am at, yet I am trying to have a positive attitude about it. I'm trying to make the most out of my situation and being where I'm at. I need to find ways to get out of my "ruts" when I am in them...because I frequently get in them. I spoke with Lori today about my feelings and came to the conclusion that I have a positive outlook on my life and where I'm at right now for like 5 hours, and then I start feeling down again.

What things can I be doing to get myself out of the rut feelings, and feeling positive about it all again?

...All the more...

I want to write more in this blog.

Mostly because I have so many things I could and should be sharing here.

I've decided to make a new goal...to really live for the moments right now.

And instead of making my mantra for this upcoming year "34 single no more..."

I want it to be "34 and enjoying it all the more".

I have so much I can accomplish. And things I can learn at this age. Here are just a few that have been on my mind and that I can work on this upcoming year as a single person:

-Learn to be a conscious money saver instead of a spender
-Learn some big things about cooking and try them (i.e. cooking a turkey, etc)
-Serve more anonymously-be aware of people and their needs

Content.

Today....I feel content about me.

Where I am, what I'm doing.

34 is coming up for me.

I haven't met Mr. Right.

And I'm ok with that.

Finally.

Living it and learning to love it

I've always had big dreams. Dreams of my future and what it would/could be like. Thinking I'd probably be married around 20 or so, and by the time I was 30 have 2 or 3 kids or so.

Of course, it hasn't happened.

I'm 33, and still single--with not really any prospects or much dating going on. I'm a little unsure about the future as time keeps going on. I'm feeling a little 'non-trusty' with Heavenly Father, and trying to learn to trust Him and His plan for me.

So...in the meantime, I am trying to live it and learn to love it. Trying to enjoy me and enjoy what I am doing as a single-me. Trying to decide what I want to do if this dream never rolls around for me, or if it's another 33 years 'till it comes my way.

Timing

Had lots of thoughts lately. Trying to figure out where I fit in life and what I am supposed to be doing.

Went to talk to the bishop about my feelings of wanting to feel a "part" of something again in the church.

Here's what he said...

"Is this interview one that you set up on your own, or were you called in?"

"I set it up on my own. I really have felt sort of lost lately, and have been debating on leaving this ward and attending the branch where I live".

"Well, I really can't believe this. Your timing is perfect, and inspired. I have a calling to extend to you. Your name has come up for 3 different callings in the last 24 hours. It's a big calling. I think you will feel "part" of something. Would you like to accept it?"

"Yes".

Guess there's my answer.

Single ward.

Single...or...family ward?

Lately I have been having a really hard time, spiritually. Just sort of feeling lost in a ward where I don't know people, and don't go--or want to go to activities, etc. I've done the whole transition before of going from a single's ward to a family ward, and felt 100% MORE lost, and so I made the decision to go back into the older mid-single's ward that I was in previously.

For quite some time I have just felt lost there. Completely to the point where I don't want to go to church.

And....I don't want that, I know. I know that I know better than that, my faith is stronger than that, and I would never just stop going completely...it's against my nature.

So today I decided to attend the ward that I would go to if I wasn't going to the single's ward. It's a branch. I walked in and instantly felt a part of it. I counted the people. 60. What?! Before church was over, at least 10 people had come up to me to introduce themselves to me and try to get me to start coming to this branch.

I'm torn. For me mostly...I just need to feel a 'part' of something. And switching to this branch will definitely help me feel like that...but, of course, there aren't any single people attending that ward (maybe 3?). And so it would take me away from a 'single's scene'.

But I feel like spiritually, I need this.

What to do...

An un-startable engine

Lately I feel like my engine keeps trying to start, and it just gets going, and then gives up-shuts down.

I don't mean for this blog to be a place where I vent...but, it sort of seems like it. Finding "Joy in the Journey" of being single has been really really rough for me since I hit 30. I'm moving on to 34 this year, and it just seems like nothing for me is going uphill. I feel like I start things, and can never finish them. I feel like my motivation for goals and such is so much less than it was.

Where did that all start? When did that all change for me? When I hit 30? When I went back to BYU 4 years ago? Did my thesis kill me? Are some brain cells dead from all of that? Have the trials been so immense since then that I have forgotten how to enjoy life and love it?

Where is "he" at? Is he still looking for me, or has he given up on it?

Has Heavenly Father given up on me for good?

What am I supposed to be doing with my life?

How can I enjoy this journey I am on?

I just wish for once...that my engine would start...and stay "started"....

:*(